how to stop assuming the worst of people

[|ndußtrial]

in person, i'm confident enough to speak to people, more than needed, but when it comes to understanding people, i completely can't read emotions; neither tone of voice, nor facial expressions. this then drags into the internet, where i consistently end up assuming that everyone is trying to insult me; i end up wittily tearing apart what i see as an insult, and, of course, since i totally misunderstood everything, i look like a total ass...

at this point, i try to avoid speaking to people over the internet, since i can't be held accountable for what i say over it... how do you work with this? it's almost like a lack of social skills, but, knowing i had a severe psychosis, it could also be an effect of that...

[Caligari87]

A very important aspect of this is something you're doing right now: Metacognition, or "thinking about thinking." This is an exercise in self-awareness, basically looking at and analyzing your own thoughts, impulses, behavior, etc. As you mentioned, you've determined you can't read emotion via voice or facial expression. I haven't been paying much attention if you've mentioned this before, but lack of social comprehension and emotional intelligence might place you somewhere on the autism spectrum (not an insult, just an observation). If so, you might consider professional help. If not that severe, it's something you can work at with practice.

To combat this, it's important to take time and try to understand why you react in a certain way. If an internet comment offends you or makes you angry, take a step back, breathe, and try to figure out why you're mad before you reply. Something that helps me here is to initially assume the other person has no ill intentions. If something they say offends me, I automatically tell myself "they didn't mean it like that." Only after repeated interactions do I allow myself to conclude malicious intent.

TL;DR: Don't assume everyone's out to get you Think critically about why you feel that way, and assume the other person means well unless conclusively proven otherwise.

Of course, this takes practice. It's something you need to work at. It requires forethought and self-reflection. At times it can be frustrating. But it's the best way I've found.

[Nevander]

but when it comes to understanding people, i completely can't read emotions; neither tone of voice, nor facial expressions. this then drags into the internet, where i consistently end up assuming that everyone is trying to insult me; i end up wittily tearing apart what i see as an insult, and, of course, since i totally misunderstood everything, i look like a total ass...

You just described me perfectly. In real life, I feel so unimportant. On the internet, I sorta feel like everyone hates me. Lately I've just started to deal with it and accept it.

[Matt]

Something I struggle with myself... some pointers I've used that seem to have helped, on top of what Caligari said (which is good but requires too much thinking and I'm not good with that):

• avoid news and politics. Seriously, you don't "need" anything remotely like what we absorb every day, and the way we're saturated with this crap just by being online you'd get all you really need by actively avoiding it.
• accept as a non-negotiable article of faith, without exceptions, that every person ever born or conceived has within them a spark of Being: a subjective consciousness that experiences, feels, wants and loves.
• remembering that there are no exceptions to the above.
• none.
• and don't get weaselly about what "every person born or conceived" means. That last part is only intended to weed out bots and corporations (which are run and ultimately owned by real people even if they themselves are not).
• yes, even Hitler and Stalin and Charlie Manson and the ISIS goons and Sergeant Mk. IV and Donald Trump and Richard Dawkins and that guy who cut you off without signalling when you were coming home from work and that one underwriter who nearly cost your client an eight-figure deal because they won't stop nitpicking every stupid thing... it's something ontological that can't be changed, like you can cut the legs off a duck to make a lame duck but you can't glue teeth to its beak and make it a horse.
• this:

  As extraordinarily harsh as Seraphim often was to himself, he was kind and gentle toward others — always greeting his guests with a prostration, a kiss, and exclaiming "Christ is risen!", and calling everyone "My joy." He died while kneeling before an Umilenie icon of the Theotokos which he called "Joy of all Joys". This icon is kept currently in the chapel of the residence of the Patriarch of Moscow.

  Not necessarily out loud to start cuz people really do think you're crazy for it, but take a moment to think this before any interaction. And consider it to be true no matter what they do to you.
• even if everyone hates you and is out to get you, there is no need - neither biological necessity nor moral nor ethical duty - to respond in kind, however terribly the urge is felt. Or care. Or do anything at all. We are dust.
• forgive everyone of everything. This is impossible without the above.
• including yourself - immediately pick up and continue trying after every failure.
• think through every failure and keep track of things that appear to trigger the worst responses from yourself. Deal with them or avoid them to the best of your ability until they are dealt with (sometimes simply as a matter of giving yourself time and rest to heal).
• also this:

  If you have the sinful habit of judging your neighbor, then whenever you judge someone make three prostrations that day with this prayer: “Save, O Lord, and have mercy on him (whom I have judged) and by his prayers, have mercy on me, a sinner.” Do this every time you judge someone. If you do this, God will see your sincerity and will deliver you from this sinful habit forever. And if you never judge anyone, then God will never judge you. In this way you will even receive salvation.

  I don't remember the actual words of the prayer when I do this, and there's no guarantee any of them actually pray, so instead I try to find one thing good about them and pray for that to be made into what it was meant to be.

(Yes, there is an explicitly Christian undertone to this. I have found literally nothing else sufficient to give me the impetus to change. Forgive me.)

[Caligari87]

Great thoughts Vae, Thank you. That's helpful for me as well.

[Big C]

I find it difficult to forgive people because my autism means I constantly struggle to decipher their intentions.

For example, I have people in my apartment complex with mental disorders and I never know how much of their behavior to take at face value.

Sometimes they do stuff like try to rope me into vendettas with other people. I can forgive them all I like, but that doesn't do much to change their behavior, and I *really* don't like having to constantly smile and nod. It feels like I'm constantly fighting them off. Constantly dealing with people who set off alarm bells I cannot turn off annoys the Hell out of me.

[|ndußtrial]

this is a great place... i'll look into autism, if my therapist can stop asking about medications for as long as a minute.

[Blox]

I haven't been paying much attention if you've mentioned this before, but lack of social comprehension and emotional intelligence might place you somewhere on the autism spectrum (not an insult, just an observation). If so, you might consider professional help. If not that severe, it's something you can work at with practice.

That's not a "might", that is a "will". It is perhaps the clearest and most typical sign of the 'tism of all.
The effects of this depend entirely on how you approach life.
And seeing that we seem to have yet another case of "everyone is out to get me!!!" then this is a very serious issue and you should absolutely take care of it.

Because

Don't assume everyone's out to get you.

is very much true - not many people are out to fuck you over. Thinking that everyone is out to get a piece of you is not going to lead anywhere good.
In fact you would do better in life to think that nobody is out to fuck you over - you would inevitably get fucked over unless you're careful, but it would certainly lead to better average experiences with people.

[Redfox123]

dont worry i have embarrassed myself on these forums heaps of times

[LkMax]

(...) yes, even Hitler and Stalin and Charlie Manson and the ISIS goons and Sergeant Mk. IV and Donald Trump and Richard Dawkins (...)

lol at putting Sergeant Mk. IV and Richard Dawkins on the same level as Hitler and Staling.

[Naniyue]

Assume most people are morally average, until they prove themselves one way or the other. There are a lot of good people out there, but we still need more of them.

[Xtyfe]

Wow, this topic is like the story of my life.

I have developed a complex of sorts I guess. I'm resentful of every single person I meet and I think it's a defense mechanism against the way I'm treated by people. Anyone who meets me is just put-off by me in some way. I believe I'm a nice person and I treat people properly but yet I feel as though I don't get that in return. It's not an easy thing to get out of and I would say much of the advice in this thread are things I have already tried and have not helped. I believe I have done all I can on my end but people still treat me like garbage and I just can't change that.

[Luigi2600]

I'm pretty sure sgtmarkiv, trump and Richard Dawkins aren't bad people minus some of things they said.

[Big C]

I'm pretty sure sgtmarkiv, trump and Richard Dawkins aren't bad people minus some of things they said.

Are you forgetting the part where one of the things Sarge said was ENCOURAGING A DEPRESSED GUY TO COMMIT SUICIDE?

[Luigi2600]

Are you forgetting the part where one of the things Sarge said was ENCOURAGING A DEPRESSED GUY TO COMMIT SUICIDE?

"Some of the things he said"