by Xaser » Sun Dec 24, 2017 11:45 pm
I've been kinda staring at this thread for several days now, unsure of what to write. I've tried a few things, but the words invariably turn hollow once they hit the page.
I'm not sure how clear this has ever been made in "public", as it were, but Kate and I were practically siblings, for lack of a better phrasing. We grew up together along with a few other goofballs (both old and new), and despite all outside logic, we formed a tight-knit circle of genuinely good people (who have been invaluable in keeping me sane throughout all this, srsly thank you all) -- this is all thanks to her, really. She was the group's anchor, and her presence had always been this sort of comforting constant, whether I'd noticed it or not.
The darker side is that we were cast very different lots in life, and in recent years, I'd kinda drifted away -- not completely, but it hit a point where I just wasn't sure how best to connect, so I shied away. She had support from certain awesome people, and things were looking up for her towards the end, and I'd just always had it in the back of my mind that there would be some magical future time where everything would all get patched up and we'd meet up and have fun just being. Instead, time ran out. I just wish we had more time. Is it selfish to think of things this way? I'm not even sure.
I wasn't sure what I wanted this post to be when I started typing it out (for the six trillionth time), and I'm still not sure what it is now. I'm just not convinced it's possible in one forum post to describe how much Kate meant to those who knew her, or even accurately convey an iota of her greatness in a way that makes sense to human brains. I'm not sure if this is a eulogy, or a lament, or a cautionary tale, or just the insane ramblings of a madman (well, it's definitely that one). Either way, they're not the words I want to write. What I'd really like to say is "Hey, welcome back!", in some alternate timeline where none of this occurred. There's some sneaky irony to this illogical thought-train that's making me want to facebash my keyboard, so shoutouts to all 3 or so of you who understand it.
I won't end this with a "goodbye", because I can't right now. Maybe the closest thing I can manage is a "Thanks, Kate, for being Kate." She was love and life, and deserved the maximum amount of both these things. Now she's just love.