RexS wrote:This is getting really fucking old. I'm getting tired of suffering like this. This is becoming pointless.
There's nothing that I, personally, can do or say to make things better for you, but I urge you not to do anything drastic. I didn't know your wife, but if your love for eachother is as strong as you say, then I am certain she would not want you to throw your own life away (either in the more literal sense, or by remaining utterly miserable for the rest of your days).
One can never truly "get over it" or "move on" (and, indeed, one should not; just as our loved ones would not want us to be sad forever, they would not want their memories to be tossed aside, either!), but what we can do is live. Live, if not for our own sakes then for theirs. It's not easy, it's never going to be easy, but if you allow this single, unfathomably horrendous moment to consume your entire life, one tragedy becomes two; There are surely other people who care about you, and as much as your heart is broken right now, it would be wrong to break theirs along with it.
I can't imagine what it's like to lose someone so close to you, not like that- I've had family members pass on, but only ever through more natural causes- so I can't truly understand the pain you are feeling right now, but you need to stay strong and keep living.
RexS wrote:This is getting really fucking old. I'm getting tired of suffering like this. This is becoming pointless.
At this point, don't grieve alone. If you have family members, close friends or in-laws that were close that you can visit, you might want to give them a visit. Grieving alone is never a good thing and having conversations about her with other fellow grievers may be a good idea.
I keep dreaming of my wife being still alive... she's scared and confused, I'm holding her head in my hands and petting her hair.. trying to comfort her like I used to. I tell her I love her and that she's going to be OK... we're going to go to the doctors and figure this out. And her face was so scared... and I wake up crying and just punching the shit out of my desk. It's a nightmare at sleep and it's a nightmare at night and it's a nightmare during the day. I'm not doing well.
My mental state is worsening every day, as my physical state slowly heals. Every waking second is horrible, every dream is horrible, and then I wake up to more horror. Every. Single. Day. Every. Single Second. I'm seeing a therapist for grief counseling, but so far it has done nothing for me. (Although, she is super sweet and easy to talk to.) I wish I had died in that wreck. I think it is cruel and some kind of torture reserved for Hitler to keep me alive and suffering this way. I should have just gone with my wife.
I just want to update you guys. I have gone back to work, light duty, and the double vision is mostly gone... but I am still severely injured on the left side of my body. The brain injury has me where my left foot is numb, my left knee hurts (I walk with a slight limp) and more importantly, my left hand cannot pick anything heavier than an empty water bottle up. I have seen 0% improvement since the wreck, so we're trying to find a specialist like a neurologist. I'm going to update the original post with what happened to me. I don't remember making this thread, to be honest. Most of October is a blur. My inside feelings get much darker every day. I'm able to function in autopilot at my job and things like that, and I'm able to share a smile or laugh with a friend (who I've been spending a lot of time with, because I don't like being alone with my thoughts) but it is akin to people laughing in a survivor camp in The Walking Dead: it's a nice moment to share with people and connect, but the world around me is still dying. My personality is radically different, a huge part of me died in that wreck with my wife (we were not legally married, but we considered each other husband/wife even before the ceremony, because she said "yes" under God. Sorry for the confusion, I use wife and fiancee interchangeably.) I don't care about my sports car, or money, or my gaming PC, or even video games... All I can see in this fake world is people. People are real. I can see people's souls and love through their eyes, and connecting to family, friends, and even you guys... that is all that matters anymore in this world.
I started a GoFundMe page, and I REALLY didn't want to... I don't care about money and I don't like asking for money, but as I slowly crawl myself out of the constant horror to look at real life for a moment, I begin to realize that I went from 4 incomes to 1 with the same amount of bills. (Her 2 jobs and I lost my 2nd job from the wreck. I can return one day when I'm healed up, but I'm not physically capable of the second job that I had right now.) I set up the GoFundMe at a friend's suggestion, to help me pay some bills off. We had a few maxed Credit Cards, but not for something stupid... we used them for emergencies, including evacuating Hurricane Irma, and fixing up our cars so that we can drive to work safely. Not to mention eating, gas, electricity... just everything is really rough right now. Even a 50 cent donation would mean anything to me, but life isn't about money. Share if you want/can. If you can't donate, I still want to thank you for reading my story, and listening to my heart. You guys are all good people, and I hope you can keep her, myself, and the rest of our loved ones in your thoughts and prayers. God bless, guys.
STORY: (Also posted in OP. Copied from FB post to family and friends.)
Spoiler:
I don't know if I made an official post *specifically* about what happened to me, [wife], and our niece (who I won't name to protect.) Maybe I did, and I don't remember. Anyways, this is STRAIGHT FROM me what I am going through:
I was visiting Texas to see [wife]'s family with her. A huge step in my Agoraphobia, a huge step towards moving to Texas possibly, and the best vacation I ever had up until the wreck happened. Seeing her mother, father, grandmother and grandmother's friend was amazing. I was extremely happy to meet [wife]'s sister and brother as well, and her sister's husband was a bad ass and we instantly hit it off. Our niece (me and [wife] never got legal marriage papers from the government, but I gave [wife] that ring under God, I consider her my late [wife]) was the most precious thing and I was super happy to see her and her new sister. I LOVE [wife]'s family and if it isn't crossing a line, I do consider them my family and my "in-laws", even if we didn't get signed off by the US government yet. Anyways, in the middle of my at-the-moment best vacation ever, we went to meet [wife]'s mother's friends for food on Tuesday October, 3rd. It was an amazing time, really good food, good people, it was great. Since I had a beer and a half, I don't ever drink and drive even on one beer (especially because of what happened to Caitlin; my ex-GF Caitlin and her mother were both killed by a drunk driver 10 years ago), so I gave [wife] the keys. I don't really remember leaving the restaurant much, but not because of alcohol. One and a half beers is nothing to me, I just like to play it safe with the driving. I woke up in a hospital. My last memory was eating dessert or something at the restaurant or going the bathroom. At first, I accepted my new setting like a dream, and I was just being cooperative for some medical staff removing a needle from my arm... but then my senses started to come back, and I said "Wait a minute, where am I? Why the hell am I in a hospital? I was just eating at a restaurant with my wife's family and friends... Why am I here?" The doctor calmed me down and told me "You were in a very serious car wreck. They had to cut you out with the Jaws of Life and you were airlifted here by helicopter." I replied: "...WHAT? Jesus, WHAT? I don't remember any of that. Well, where is [wife]? Where's my wife?" They replied, "[Rex], we'll talk to you about that in a minute, you had a concussion and a lot of injuries, please just relax the best you can for a moment." The concussion and trauma and impact had caused me to black out, there is no memory of anything happening, I just went from restaurant to hospital in a flash. [wife]'s mother came in with a doctor or pastor or something, and she told me "[Rex] you and [wife] were in a really bad accident" and she was crying. I said "Well where is [wife]? Where the fuck is [wife]??" and she just cried and shook her head and said "I'm so sorry, [Rex]... I'm so sorry..." and I said "What??? SHES DEAD? ARE YOU SURE???? ARE YOU 100% SURE IT WAS HER???" and she kept shaking her head and sobbing and saying "Yes, [Rex], I'm sure... I'm so sorry...." and I grabbed her and and the doctor and screamed at the top of my lungs and cried for what felt like hours. Everything after that moment is a blur. I know I messaged a LOT of you, but please be patient and understand that I don't remember most of it. It's a fuzzy memory and I don't remember 99% of anything. I woke up in the hospital on October 4th I believe, but I don't have much memory until about Sunday, October 8th. Even after that are moments that are extremely vague and unclear. Here's what I do remember: I know I contacted a lot of people that I love. I don't remember most of it, I'm sorry. I remember, just barely, going into the room [wife] and I had stayed in to get my belongings and hearing evil laughter echoing off of the empty walls as I stared at our beds with our blankets/pillows/bears the way we had been snuggled the night before the restaurant/accident. I remember [wife]'s brother sleeping on the couch with me so I wouldn't be alone, which was extremely kind of him. I remember hugging my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, and I guess other brother-in-law (sister-in-law's husband) and crying, but only vaguely. I briefly remember seeing [wife]'s dead body laying there on a table at some morgue or something, and after saying my goodbye I completely freaked the fuck out and had a full panic attack and had to leave. The same thing happened when I went to see the ruined Fiesta (where me and [wife] were once sitting was nothing but metal, glass, and blood) and I had the same reaction, barely able to compose myself before going psychotically insane. My parents flew to Texas to come get me. I don't remember them coming in [wife]'s mother's house at all. I don't remember saying goodbye to anyone as I got ready to leave for Florida, but I imagine I did. I don't remember the ride home, except for 2-3 moments of extreme dreadful terror in hotel rooms on the drive back. I don't remember arriving home. I vaguely remember seeing my uncle and aunt, and I know my brother and his wife and daughter came, as well as my other brother... that is as far as the memory goes. The rest is just blur. I don't really remember my brother and his wife leaving. A few days after he left is when I actually start to have some clearer memories.
Ever since that moment that my mother-in-law told me about the death of my wife, the worst moment in the history of my entire life... my world has stopped. My life has been a constant fucking nightmare, as most of you can clearly see in my posts. I'm not even sure why I'm alive physically after seeing the car, but I really don't know why I'm alive in the big picture. I should have gone with her, and keeping me alive feels cruel. My future, my best friend, the love of my life, the future mother of my children... my partner and my ally, my cheerleader and my angel, and my Roo. All of that has been taken from me in an instant that I don't even remember happening. All I can feel in my heart is evil. Sadness, broken pain, darkness... Hopelessness and despair. I feel like I accidentally got hit with a wrong punishment meant for someone that commit GENOCIDE.
My older brother told me that he originally received a phone call saying [my wife] was dead, and that I might be. He dropped his beer and phone on the garage floor and ran to his wife to cry, and a few hours later got a second phone call saying that I was alive but unconscious and critical in ICU. He said to me, "I don't mean this in a shitty way, but that second phone call didn't make me any happier. I knew that either way, you had died in that wreck."
In the 3 weeks since the accident, I've made extremely minor steps in healing physically, such as mostly getting rid of my double vision. My mental state and inside are worsening every day. I feel darker today than I did yesterday, and it continues on this path. I feel like I'm dying physically as well, I feel very strongly that this is the end of my life. I don't mean from suicide... I have absolutely no intentions of hurting myself. But if it was possible to die from a broken heart, that would be it.
Major Cooke wrote:You have my condolences, Rex. Ugh... if I wasn't in such a pickle with finances myself I'd happily donate to you.
While things will not be the same from here on out, I wish you the best and speediest recovery on all sides physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
May your fiancee rest in peace.
That means the world to me. Don't worry about not being able to donate... I felt weird even making it. But I need help. Spiritually, physically, and financially, too. If someone can, they can. If they can't, they can't. No worries. It's hard for me to connect to this world, but your words mean everything to me, friend.
I got hives reading through these posts. Context: I'm likely allergic to my own adrenaline, as I break out in hives whenever feeling deep emotions such as joy, sadness, anger, etc., and sometimes after drinking coffee. Basically, what this means is that I'm overcome with the deepest emotion for you and your situation... and I can feel your pain just about as well as you can.
I'm finding it hard to even type these words. My hands are shaky now (as well as the rest of my body), and I'm having a hard time breathing... just from reading what had happened. I wish I could say something... that can help ease the pain. Well, at least... something I am certain will help ease the mental and spiritual pain. I'm just not at all sure.
I wish I could offer more than a heartfelt "You have my condolences" and my prayers. I feel like it's not nearly enough, and I'm frustrated that there isn't anything more I can do, but that's all I can do.
I do have one bit of advice for you, though... there are numerous things we can offer up to God via our prayers and our actions. Suffering is actually chief among them. You can offer your suffering to God in your prayers, as a sacrifice. When we do this, we can align ourselves with the ultimate sacrifice that Christ made for all of us. Suffering basically provides an opportunity to really empathize (and in some ways be one) with the suffering of Christ, when He was at the lowest point anyone could ever be in their life. I encourage you to do this. I can't promise you that it'll work the same way for you as it has for me, but all I can tell you is that I've done it. I did it at many of the lowest points in my life ever since I first heard of offering suffering in prayer... and I rebounded faster than I ever thought was humanly possible.
I will be praying fervently for you, that you may have a swift recovery, and that you will overcome this, emerging better than ever before. I pray that this incident does not destroy you, but rather that it builds you. I pray that God grants you the wisdom and insight to understand His Will for you, and I pray that all who are better able to help you will do so.
M8, sorry to hear about that. But hey, you have my condolence, it's never too late for that. I lost my maternal grandfather 3 days ago, due to heart attack and kidney failure. My mom is really and deeply sad about that news, I was sad too. But I believe you can move on m8, I hope in the future, you'll be alright and (imo) you'll be able to meet her again. Someday.
I've donated as well, and most of my thoughts are in the message I attached to that. I'll say again though that I hope you can take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity you've been given, even as much as it may seem more of a curse than a blessing. I also hope you'll continue to post some updates in this thread every once in a while - it would mean the world to me to hear more from you as your story continues. Regardless, though, I wish you all the fortune and strength you may need to overcome this trying time in your life. And I hope you know that even us "strangers" over the internet are here for you as much as we can be, financially and spiritually.
